Avinash Basu Week 5 SS1

I was born with an umbilical cord around my neck. The doctors told my mom that either she could live or I could live. She chose me. I cannot fathom why. I think I'd rather she live without me than for me to live without her. I'm never going to know what its like to lose a child I've nurtured in my own body. Or maybe I will if biological gender becomes a choice or whatever but outside the realm of science fantasy; I'm not going to know. And with that lack of knowledge I cannot understand why she would want me to live without her. I didnt even cry the first couple of times the doctor slapped me. I clearly do not want to be in this world. And yet she cared for me so much. 

That's what motherhood means to me. The ability to care for something outside of yourself like it is a part of yourself.

I remember never being able to sleep until my mother sang me to sleep with a lullaby.

Reading the articles; I realize my mother's experiences as a woman and as a colored woman shaped my worldview through her parenting.
All of her worldview transferred over to me.

I don't have a very high opinion of the male figures in my life because I see my own flaws in them but I always say if I have any goodness at all its because of my mother.

You know, its so easy for me to write paragraphs and paragraphs about misery but I can barely even organize my thoughts to talk about my mother I love so much because I'm both so grateful to her for bringing me into this world and holding my hand and so resentful because I am supposed to be the reflection of such an amazing woman that I don't know how I'm supposed to live upto that.
I miss my mom and I just want her to know that she's the greatest mother.

All my life I've been raised around women.
Nuns in an ashram, all my mother friends; all of them taught me the strength of womanhood and the glorious capacity to enact change that mothers have.
A father can pay the bills but they don't carry the family like a mother does.

"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B9dSYgd5Elk"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nj2laJVGZAA